Things to protect yourself..

1. Under no circumstances bring up the subject of LOTR or anything remotely related or anything that could possibly be related or anything that is not related to LOTR at all because they will start talking about it and the only way to stop them is to stuff a chicken in their mouth.

2. Carry many...many chickens.

3. Do not debate with them about LOTR. For example, don't say that Elrond should have pushed Isildor into Mount. Doom so that these books wouldn't have been written(even though it's true) because they will start this detailed discussion and you will be bored out of your mind. Yet again the only way to stop this is to agree to whatever they're babbling about or stuff a chicken in their mouth.

4. If they start talking with lots of "ssssssssss", evacuate the area immediatly. There is no way to stop them. Chickens are useless in this case, although a dead fish might shut them up for a couple of seconds.

5. Don't be hasty. If you are hasty, they will tell you not to be hasty. This will catch on and anytime you look like you might be hasty they will tell you not to be hasty.

6.If you are short, look out, because the above comment might change from, "Don't be hasty" to "My, you hobbits sure are hasty folk" which is horribly annoying.

7. If they start singing LOTR songs or reciting poetry, stay as far away from them until they forget it.

8. When they start talking about LOTR or some related book, nod your head often, pretend to pay attention and seem interested (which can be hard when your eyes are glazed over).

9. Don't say any books are better then LOTR becuase they will get very mad (as if they aren't they aren't already). If you forget and do this, LEAVE IMMEDIATLY!! Terrible things are about to happen.

10. They may start making strange noises such as "hoom, hoom" and "fisssssssssh". Ignore them.

11. If they have a LOTR bookmark with Legolas on one side and Gimli on the other on their locker and the bookmark is Legolas side up, do not change it to Gimli side up. If it is already Gimli side up, you really should not be friends with that person(not that it is wise to be friends with LOTR fan anyway).

12. If they start talking about whether the Balrog should have wings, don't join in, just leave.

13. If the person makes up their own Elvish name, don't call them by it... it just encourages them.

14. If they start quoting directly from the book or movie...leave... they can do this for hours.

15. If they start reading aloud to you, it is in your best interest to to walk away (don't worry, they will get so caught up in the book, they won't notice you're gone).

16. If they are wearing ring(s), be sure not to take them from him/her. They will most likely attack you and start screaming about their "precioussssssssssss".

17. Don't ask them to write things down for you. They will write in Elvish runes and if you ask them wthat they mean, they will look at you in shock.

18. If they come to school one day with pointy ears...ignore them at all costs.

19. If they are listening to music with their headphones, don't ask to listen. There is a good chance it's LOTR
music.

20. Don't try to write a LOTR fanfic or draw a LOTR picture as they will take one look at it and start to tell you all the ways it isn't correct. Then they will get into all kinds of useless facts about the book and your head is likely to explode.

21. Don't send them any humorous LOTR by email such as bloopers, spoofs, etc...). They will think it is really funny and start repeating word...for... stinking...word for the next five months every time they see you.

22. If you don't listen to the expert advice and do the above (now why on Middle-Earth would you do that?!) then they will start sending you really long "humorous" LOTR script parodies. These will clog your mailbox and most likely your email provider will kick you out.

23. If they make up their own stupid poems then don't read them...may cause serios boredom and possible loss of brain cells.

24. Even though you shouldn't read it, skim it anyways and pretend to have read it or they will be offended... then they will think you don't like their work which will lead them to think you don't like LOTR...which is the first deadly sin.

25. Through painful research it has been shown that you should not say any of the following while in the presence of a LOTR fanatic...especially if there is heavy machinery nearby:

"Save me from the boredom!!!"
"Umm... you're scaring me."
"If they ring is destroyed, then why are there six more chapters? Couldn't Tolkien have been merciful and just ended it there?"
"What's that? Oh, you know the history of Middle-Earth?"
"Why are you reading that?"
"No, he doesn't look cute to me."
"What is the big deal with all those weird scribbles?"
"How do you prounouce that name?"
"Weren't there 11 kings?"
"Where did his hat go?"
"Who's SHE?"
"That's an ugly ring you're wearing."