How to protect yourself.....

....from a LOTR crazed friend. Of course, we are LOTR-crazed, so you might want to send a link to this your friends that don't care. (But why would you ever be friends with someone who doesn't care.)

1. Under no circumstances bring up the subject of LOTR or anything remotely related or anything that could possibly be related or anything that is not related to LOTR at all because they will start talking about it and the only way to stop them is to stuff a chicken in their mouth.

2. Carry many...many chickens.

3. Do not debate with them about LOTR. For example, don't say that Elrond should have pushed Isildor into Mount. Doom so that these books wouldn't have been written(even though it's true) because they will start this detailed discussion and you will be bored out of your mind. Yet again the only way to stop this is to agree to whatever they're babbling about or stuff a chicken in their mouth.

4. If they start talking with lots of "ssssssssss", evacuate the area immediatly. There is no way to stop them. Chickens are useless in this case, although a dead fish might shut them up for a couple of seconds.

5. Don't be hasty. If you are hasty, they will tell you not to be hasty. This will catch on and anytime you look like you might be hasty they will tell you not to be hasty.

6.If you are short, look out, because the above comment might change from, "Don't be hasty" to "My, you hobbits sure are hasty folk" which is horribly annoying.

7. If they start singing LOTR songs or reciting poetry, stay as far away from them until they forget it.

8. When they start talking about LOTR or some related book, nod your head often, pretend to pay attention and seem interested (which can be hard when your eyes are glazed over).

9. Don't say any books are better then LOTR becuase they will get very mad (as if they aren't they aren't already). If you forget and do this, LEAVE IMMEDIATLY!! Terrible things are about to happen.

10. They may start making strange noises such as "hoom, hoom" and "fisssssssssh". Ignore them.

11. If they have a LOTR bookmark with Legolas on one side and Gimli on the other on their locker and the bookmark is Legolas side up, do not change it to Gimli side up. If it is already Gimli side up, you really should not be friends with that person(not that it is wise to be friends with LOTR fan anyway).

12. If they start talking about whether the Balrog should%